Warning: (Job) Hunting Season is now open. May the résumé scramble commence.
As it turns out, underemployment (much like its relatives unemployment and unpaid internship) doesn’t taste very good, and I’m out for the real meat. Let me introduce to you, my résumé. Now, I *completely* bought the whole liberal-arts-amherst-college-thing. So let’s say I majored in “hoola-hooping.” Hoola-hooping taught me a lot of skills, but they remain skills that are entirely unmarketable to an employer unless I’m applying to the circus. (which, I looked into, but as it turns out you either have to be 10 feet tall, have blue skin from mercury exposure, or have a siamese twin; alternatively one can apply with an MA in hoola-hooping all other candidates need not bother). In a world where everyone and his first cousin are “business” or “marketing” majors, my skill set feels about as tangible as a unicorn fart.
That’s OK, I have “work experience,” right? Well, my work experience looks like it was planned by a skizophrenic squirrel. While I majored in hoola-hooping, I spent one summer carving avocados into small green buddhas, another summer describing and recording cloud density, and a third summer of intense productivity teaching twin panda bears to shake paws on call. (Shaking paws was never achieved, but I did manage a few high fives)
My cover letter writing, which used to begin with a distinguished “Dear Sir/Madam” has now devolved into a jumbled goggledy-goop language of rage and inner angst: “y-u-no share jobz with needy 22 year olds? I hoola-hoop really good. I hoola-hoop until whole office smile. U just give BKflameZ a hoola-interview – then u see.”
Now that you have met “résumé” please meet the desired target:
ENTRY LEVEL PAPER CRUNCHING:
Prerequisites to apply:
-Must have an MA in paper crunching and a state certificate to paper crunch without paper cuts
-Must have at least 6 arms to more effectively crunch paper
-Must be able to sharpen pencils with teeth
-Must be fluent in the software programs we use to recognized the fact that you have crunched paper (HUIMOPEN operating systems, LLKOOP*+, and POOOPY-WHO-CARES)
-Must have 12+ years of work experience crunching paper
-ability to communicate with dolphins
-talented and experienced fiddler (for company rodeo)
-should know Coca-Cola’s secret formula
-ability to unscrew the pickle jar on first attempt
-knowledge of Microsoft Office Suite <— (I don't understand this one, who can communicate with dolphins and can't use Mircrosoft Word??)
In short, I feel like I'm hunting down a wild boar with a pair of pre-school-don't-cut-yourself-scissors. I guess, what I mean is, it's not really working…
Wat a BKflameZ 2 do when jobz iz all dead?