I Will Break You

Some people are just too nice.

The people who are genuinely kind and see the best in others. The people who can forgive anyone for just about anything. The people who can look to the future and see hope, knowing that there is no predicting what the future holds, but that it will all work out anyways.

Those people are just too nice. And when it’s not genuine or too up in your face cheerful, it bugs the shit out of me. But when it is real and it is subtle content, it makes me sad.

There’s something unsettling about these people who are weird and whole and undamaged; yes, they’re innocent, and perhaps overly naïve, but they are fulfilled in a way I feel like my cynical self will spend its whole life looking for. It doesn’t mean their lives are perfect and often, their lives are far from it, but it means they are content with the things that are good in their life. It’s a mindset and one I find admirable at that.

These are the kind of people that I both envy and fear. I enjoy spending time with them because they are happy and make me happy. They see me in a way that, while selfish, is soothing. But they’re also the people I’m afraid to grow close to, who I feel like I need to protect from my cynicism. I don’t consider myself a bad person, but I’ve got baggage. I have a mean streak like most of us; I can be selfish, competitive, and unintentionally hurtful. I can be clingy, desperate, and insecure. But also introspective enough to know that is only a small part of me. I am a good person and I believe that, despite my faults, the good parts of me win out. But when you put me next to a truly kind person, I feel like there’s no way I am not going to hurt them, or break them, or ruin them. I am afraid if I let go and show them all sides of me, I will play a part in destroying their innocence.

I used to believe that no one could actually live life that innocent and pure. Increased experience and Gone With the Wind (see I told you I would reference it again) has taught me otherwise. Being nice and optimistic doesn’t necessarily equate breakable… sometimes, like with Melanie, it can still disguise a fighter. I guess you just have to care enough not to break them. As with Scarlett, “that is your cross.”

And this is why you should never be nice to creepy, pedophilic-looking strangers…