MysteryDoor Doesn’t Like Your Trailer

There was a reason why I chose to focus on film when I decided to come aboard she-bomb: I knew that If I was ever lacking a good idea regarding my post for the week, I always had the option of just making fun of the latest crop of movie trailers to hit the web. Somehow I have managed to avoid this possibility until now, but no longer. Whether it’s because I’m burnt out from the last, frantic add/drop period of my college career, or just haven’t managed to watch any movies recently (or at least, any movies that you all would care to hear about – earlier today I spent some time with newsreels about Native Americans from 1921, which I’m pretty sure haven’t been seen for the past 90 years), but my mind is drawing a blank. Save me, Apple Trailers!!!

Speaking of salvation: dear Lord, please deliver me from found-footage movies. I understand why studios keep making them – they are an easy, cheap temptation. Not unlike the 99¢ candy bags at CVS. But just like those bags of candy, they will ultimately not provide you with any satisfaction. For every “REC,” there will be 3 “Apollo 18″s.

But all you people keep going to see the shit like “The Devil Inside” and whatever fucking number “Paranormal Activity” is on. So we will continue to be beset by pandering crap that thinks a shaky camera makes things more realistic. Hey, at least this time we get to see plenty of (theoretically) underage boobs! Richard Leacock is rolling in his grave.

I don’t know what this is. I’m confused. Is Will Ferrell actually speaking in Spanish for an entire movie? Is that really supposed to appeal to me? I’ll admit that I love “Talladega Nights” and “Anchorman” as much as the next person. But Westerns are sacred to me. Stay the fuck away from my genre, Will Ferrell.

By the way, if this movie ends up making a lot of money, I refuse to let anyone complain to me about subtitles in a foreign film ever again. “Inglourious Basterds” was at least half subtitled and made over $100 million. Subtitles are really not a big deal.

I love everyone who’s involved in this movie (Susan Sarandon! Where have you been?), yet this whole premise is too insufferably indie for me to stand right now. I must really not be in a good mood.

Denzel Washington might be the most reliable A-list movie star on the planet. You always know pretty much exactly what to expect from one of his movies, and I for one am completely fine with that.

I also like that Hollywood has finally conceded that Ryan Reynolds is not enough of a draw to star in a film on his own, and has to be paired with someone with far more box office clout. He and Chris Pine are completely interchangeable in my mind.

I know this movie already came out on Friday, but “Liam Neeson punches wolves” might actually be the best concept for an action film that I have ever heard. So I had to include it.

But seriously, this film was originally slotted to be released back in November, right in the heart of awards season, until it ran into some distribution delays. And even though it ended up being released in the January doldrums (normally a death sentence for prestigious works), Open Road Films is planning to briefly re-release “The Grey” back into theaters sometime in the fall, so it will be fresh in the mind of critics when it comes to end-of-year awards. Wait, really??