I Hate Mondays

(Ethan Gates)– I know, I know, big revelation – who doesn’t hate Mondays, right? But I’m not talking your garden-variety Garfield level of grumbling here. I don’t know what it is exactly, but for me, Hump Day has moved up this semester from Wednesday; as long as I can make it through Monday, the rest of the week is a piece of cake. Looking back from the safe haven of Tuesday, I now offer a retro-diary of my day yesterday, just to show you what I’m talking about.

8:00 a.m. – My alarm goes off for the first time. Groggily I realize that I am still fully dressed and have been sleeping on the floor of my room for no perceptible reason. I had NOT been drinking the night before. I have a vague recollection of collapsing on to my bed at 4 a.m. after reading Virginia Woolf for two hours, but still have no idea how I ended up on the floor. In any case, I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock and instantly lose consciousness again.

8:09 – My alarm goes off for the second time.

8:18- My alarm goes off for the third time.

8:27 – On the fourth attempt, I finally find the energy to rise, mostly because the floor is extremely uncomfortable.

8:48 – After showering, I have no time to shave before my weekly meeting with my thesis advisor at 9. I will therefore have to show up at my advisor’s office looking like a homeless man. A remarkably clean homeless man; but a homeless man nonetheless.

8:59 – Why the hell did I decide to live in a dorm at the BOTTOM of a hill? I demand that Biddy installs giant, Russian-style escalators post-haste.

9:05 – I am somehow only a few minutes late to my thesis meeting. I distract from the fact that I am wheezing like I just ran a marathon by inquiring to my professor how she fared during the snowstorm. I am SUCH a sympathetic person.

9:08 – It becomes eminently clear that despite there having been two weeks since our last meeting, I have done absolutely no work on my thesis recently. Awkward silences abound.

9:30 – Our meeting is cut short due to a case of staggering ill preparation on my part. I next have class at 10 in Johnson Chapel, about two steps away from my advisor’s office, but am so desperately embarrassed that I completely flee the premises. I spend the next twenty minutes awkwardly circling the freshman quad.

10:03 – My literature professor opens class with a reference to Kim Kardashian’s failed marriage. This will be the day’s one brief highlight.

10:05 – Kim Kardashian somehow transitions into discussing Virginia Woolf’s suicide. Depression sinks back in.

10:56 – After class, I try to visit another professor during his office hours, only to find not one, not two, but three freshmen waiting in front of me to speak to him. Seriously? Isn’t there some First-Year Seminar you all are supposed to be in right now?

11:32 – I despise Schwemm’s coffee, but have no time to get to Starbucks and am forced to waste valuable Extra Buxx on their caffeine-loaded swill. I tolerated you when you were free this past weekend, Schwemm’s coffee – the honeymoon is over.

11:56 – Val’s cajun chicken and pasta in cream sauce had better be really good, because every single student at Amherst seems to be standing in line in front of me to get some.

12:12 p.m. – It’s not that good.

12:30 – We are discussing Philip Roth’s so-called humorous masterpiece “Portnoy’s Complaint” in my second literature class of the day. As far as I can tell, Roth’s humor consists of Jew jokes and listing off various body parts. I’m sorry, I thought I wasn’t in my middle school health class anymore.

1:15- Penis penis penis penis penis CUNT penis penis penis COCK penis penis penis penis TIT penis penis KVETCH penis penis penis penis penis PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS DEAR GOD MAKE HIM STOP

1:32 – Penis.

1:52 – A brief break before my third class of the day. I smoked cigarettes for about a month towards the tail end of my time in Petersburg. I quit upon returning to America, but goddamn do I really really want a cigarette at this moment.

3:18 – Our Russian professor concludes class by asking me for the fifth time whether I have the paper that we were supposed to turn in two weeks ago. I have still not written the paper. The professor’s response as always, is simply, “That’s OK; next time, next time!” This is the problem with Russians: while the stereotype might be that Russian people are terrifying and intimidating, most of them are actually sympathetic and easy-going to a fault. And in this case, I wish she would stop being so freaking flexible – I will never be motivated to finish this paper unless she stops being so nice to me.

4:09 – Case in point: I have just spent the last 45 minutes watching Saturday Night Live clips on Hulu.

4:13 – Seriously, Eddie Murphy used to be hilarious. What happened?

4:16 – I finally get around to reading my e-mail and discover that the film professor I work for had scheduled additional screenings for today to make up for last week’s power outage, only hadn’t bothered to tell his projectionist (that is, me). So the first screening is now 16 minutes late. I sprint back up the hill (my mortal enemy now) and pick up all the necessary materials from Frost and JChap before making it to Stirn Auditorium in what I believe must be record time. There is literally no one in the auditorium.

4:32 – The first student stumbles into Stirn for the screening, thinking the film was supposed to start at 4:30 all along.

6:11 – London broil as the main entree at Val means that it’s a pasta/pizza day for me.

7:58 – Midway into my second screening of the day, a bro-type student emerges from the auditorium and goes to the bathroom, carrying one of those little strap backpack things that all the athletes seem to have (what are those called?). This is obviously completely normal behavior and I don’t think anything of it.

8:29 – Said student finally emerges from bathroom and returns to the auditorium. Seriously, I nearly jumped with surprise because I had completely forgotten he was in there, that’s how long he disappeared for. While this is odd, I still wouldn’t have thought more about it, except 30 seconds later, a second student goes to the bathroom CARRYING THE SAME BAG.

8:52 – Second student at last comes out of the bathroom. At this point I am wondering if I should call the Campus Police or something. I tell you, these kinds of things only happen to me on Mondays.

9:30 – Receive phone call from my parents. They’re re-doing our bathroom at home and my room will apparently be used for storage while they’re doing the work. That means I’ll be sleeping on a couch when I go home for Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. Good practice for after graduation, I suppose.

10:21 – Suddenly remember that the movie I had to screen earlier came from the reserve desk at the library. Forced to trek up the hill to the freshman quad for the third time today in order to return it. Science needs to get on that instant teleportation stuff, so that I can recklessly abuse it.

10:27 – The detector thing at the library goes ape-shit when I walk in. I have violated the strict 4-hour time limit of the reserve desk. From across the room the reference librarian shoots me a look that says, “truly, you shall be shunned until the end of days.”

(Side note: The four-time limit on reserve materials is ridiculous when it comes to movies. “The Sorrow and the Pity” is only available at the reserve desk; it is also 251 minutes long. It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to watch the film in the time allotted. I’m confused.)

10:45 – I am out of ramen. This makes me sad.

11:35 – Having translated 15 pages of Nabokov into english, I collapse on my bed again. I am giving up on this Monday. I vaguely remember to undress this time.