Ah, yes, I have done it again. And by “it” I mean many things, starting with my failure to post on She-Bomb on time and ending with my inability to end my darkly romantic (but mostly unhealthy and unfulfilling) trysts with a pseudo-lover, pseudo-friend, pseudo-enemy. In between these two failures I have failed many more times: I have failed to quit smoking post-dinner cigarettes, I have failed at staying in touch with my non-Amherst based friends, and I have failed to be prudent with my (parent’s) money.
These series of failures, some more grave than others, makes me wonder why I keep on making the same fucking mistakes over and over again. What’s more, why do I repeatedly make mistakes that I know will hurt people who I hold near and dear to my heart? What accounts for my selfishness and insensitivity?
When I don’t post on She-Bomb, I know my wonderful, special friend, BunniesAreNom, feels that I have blatantly disregarded the tremendous organizational effort she has put into maintaining this blog behind the scene. While we try to pretend that my lackadaisical approach to posting weekly is strictly a matter of business, I know that it does affect our friendship in quiet ways.
Or what about the cigarettes I smoke in secret behind Seeyle between the hours of 7:30 and 8 PM? I can only imagine how heart-broken my mother would be at such a site.
Why can’t I just make a phone or Skype date and stick to it? Why is it so difficult for me to make 30 minutes for my best friends who happen to not live on the same small campus as I do, especially when I spend more than 30 minutes of my day shitting around on the internet browsing useless things?
Perhaps my greatest failure is that I have started (continued) to see a person from my past who I know is nothing but bad news and heartache. What’s worse than the heartache he will inevitably cause me is the heartache (and headache) I will cause my friends who have to sit through the pathetic sob stories that I’ve been repeating for the past three years.
They hate him because they know that he is manipulative and takes me for granted, and I know it too. They hate him because they love me and they want me to be happy. Shouldn’t their earnest concern be enough of a reason to stay away? Yes. The saddest part is that when I continue to engage in his silly games, I know that I am taking their support, wisdom, and love for granted almost as much as he takes me for granted.
Unfortunately I do not have some grand epiphany or solution to end this post on an optimistic note. The truth is that I will probably continue to commit these failures again and again, and in the process hurt those that truly matter to me. So I end with an apology to my friends who have always had my back and have my best interest in mind. I’m sorry for continuing to bang my head over and over again on the same wall. I’m sorry for making the same mistakes. I’m sorry for not taking your words to heart.