So this summer I took a job teaching the SAT for students all across Richmond (my hometown). Little did I know I would also be working as marketing executive/saleswoman/accountant. You may be saying to yourself, “wow, marketing executive;” well, let me correct you really fast. NO. In fact, my job is mostly composed of creating fancy titles:
Job Title: Marketing Executive
Actual Job: call households and bombard them with flyers. I have obtained these addresses and phone numbers from an unbeatable combination of pilfered school directories and the Richmond phone book.
Job Title: Marketing Intern
Actual Job: High school students I have lured into selling my classes for me. The position is unpaid, except they do get $50 for every referral. A pretty sweet deal aside from the fact that my business gets $550 for the work they did.
Job Title: Head Accountant
Actual Job: still looking for the receipt from the post office for 400 stamps (at 44 cents a pop those puppies add up).
Job Title: Sales Executive
Actual Job: “I’ll give you a hundred dollars off and throw in two extra hours of free private tutoring” (more on this later)
Job Title: SAT Teacher (aside: this was the part of the job that I was actually excited about; I love teaching, and I’ve been a swim coach for years– I can handle hoards of screaming 5 year olds)
Actual Job: “Hey! No that’s what she said jokes about my instruction, and Brandon, take Myrtle’s bracelet off of your lower lip–it’s not nice to share your germs! Did you guys copy down the strategy? Remember CAWE!”
As much as I love glorifying my own resume, I have to say the best part of my job is turning on the TV occasionally and laughing at what I see.
“Yes, ma’am, I can offer you a free score consultation at any time ma’am, when are you available?”
“this is an exclusive deal only available to your high school” (available to all, really)
“I only have three more discounts to give out this week” (unlimited)
“It’s a lot of information, would you like for me to send you an email instead?” (email bombards them with extra information they never wanted)
“I’m calling to remind your family about the great opportunity available this weekend” (they’ve never heard about it before)
“Well, the discount expires Sunday…” (not true)
“Well, the discount expired Sunday, but I think I can extend it for you. Can I check with my co-manager first?” (not true, it was fine all along)
Seriously. No deal is ever advantageous for you. They’re always getting your money. They’re always profiting. Don’t believe anything you see on TV, but if you are a rising sophomore, junior, or senior, take my class; the average graduate of our program sees a score increase of over 250 points! 38 hours of instruction plus unlimited office hours with instructors! It’s a great deal for you! I just love children! Have you thought about…