As someone who views myself as the very epitome of social tact and mannerly conduct (HA), I am often appalled by the petty crimes of insolence that I witness on a daily basis. There are a few crimes of the modern American, many of them committed unknowingly, that make me want to dive tackle and handcuff a person to the ground. This, in combination with the city of Boston slowly and repeatedly kicking me in the ovaries, has led me to dedicate this post to something that I feel very passionately about:
Noun: An arrest by an ordinary person without a warrant, allowable in certain cases.
Now, in a perfect world, I would be allowed to make all the rules, change them whenever the mood struck me, and punish anyone severely for breaking them. Seems pretty reasonable, no? However, already in my young life I have more than enough lewd pictures on the internet to dash any hopes of political office, and without any strong financial backing and/or political turmoil to exploit, my goal of a BTmerica must be confined to the pages of this blog-o-sphere. For lack of a better option, here is my personalized list of Crimes I should be allowed to make citizen’s arrests for:
1. Families who walk 4 across on a crowded sidewalk
2. Using the left lane on the highway for anything other than passing (seriously)
3. People who spend approximately 14 minutes portioning out the exact number of spaghetti noodles on their plate during rush hour Val
4. Anyone who uses the abbreviations LOL, LMFAO, LBTYC, BOKRLS, or any other acrostically (made up that word) shortened phrase in conversation
Brief interlude: I went to a website claiming to have the “largest list of text message shorthand” on the web. Who THINKS of these abbreviations? And more importantly, how often in your life are you texting the phrase, “Look Deeply Into My Eyes, Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck” (abbreviated to the very catchy and easy-to-remember LDIMEDILLIGAF). Other gems include, “IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA” (I will buy a plane ticket and kick your ass if you say that again), “TANSTAAFL” (there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch), and “WISP” (winning is so pleasurable).
5. People who stare at your car while you wait at an intersection as they saunter across the street at a glacial pace
6. Bikers who believe that they can have the rights of cars AND pedestrians (you can’t ride in a traffic lane and then run a light because you have decided to follow the “walk” sign)
7. Anyone who wears or owns fishnet clothing other than tights
8. People who have “Baby on Board” stickers on their bumper. Thank you, now I am fully aware of what cars to avoid should I get in a crash.
9. All radio disc jockeys (I just don’t get why they are talking. all the time.)
10. Anyone who thinks Rihanna is a role model
11. Parents who talk on their cellphones while at the park with their children
12. People who talk on the phone in elevators
Watch: Family Guy – Stewie In The Elevator
13. People who post facebook albums with 20 or more pictures of themselves kissing/hugging/posing/fornicating with a significant other
14. All participants in “The Bachelor”, “Celebrity Rehab” (you too Dr. Drew. especially you.), “Survivor”…. or really any other reality show ever
15. The parents of every child signed by Ark Music. Especially the parents of Ms. Jenna Rose Swerdlow.
16. Geriatric Drivers
17. Flight attendants who make me check my carry on at the gate because the flight is too full
18. All actors in the movies Don’t Mess with the Zohan, The Last Song, and all cheerleading (except Bring it On), gymnastics, or dancing movies. ESPECIALLY the Step Up series. Good god.
19. People who pay for ringback tones so that I can listen to horrific, grainy snippits of shitty songs on an extremely loud, miraculously unalterable volume
20. Sarah Palin
Well, that digressed.