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When I Used to Push…


“Jesus” and me in 2007 after the play, The Story of Jesus.

(Lola Fadulu)– Between the ages of six and fifteen, my sole mission was to convert non-believers to non-denominational Christians. As a family, we drove to the all-black Church of Christ, 45 minutes away, at least three times a week to stay for at least two hours. Aside from the powerful and loud singing, each service, there was a constant reminder by one of the two preachers that Jesus Christ was returning soon and that death was looming. Out of fear or maybe just belief, I made it my responsibility to convert others.

In school, I volunteered to work as an acolyte and to read Bible passages during Chapel. During our snack and lunch breaks, I oftentimes quietly read my Bible or tried to spark up conversations about religion with my peers. I even responded with scripture (King James’s Version only) whenever my tennis coaches commended me on my motivation and hard-work: “Thank you! I was really inspired by a verse in Ecclesiastes. It goes a little something like this, ‘Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.’”

I kid you not. I even had that verse written in sharpie on my green Prince tennis bag throughout middle school. Simply put, I was Urban Dictionary’s definition of a Bible Pusher. You know, the type of person that actually pushes people away from Christianity. I was incredibly judgmental. This past winter break, my mother mentioned, in a half-kidding way, that I used to be pretty scary marching around with my little green pocket Bible quoting scripture.

My religious fervor slowly began to dwindle by tenth grade. Some of the non-believers I had conversations with had questions that I could not answer myself. My minister’s answers to those questions, and some of my own, weren’t satisfactory either. People that I greatly admired successfully reasoned why they were agnostic or atheist. I didn’t want to condemn them. Additionally, I had grown weary of hypocrisy – I got angry with those Christians who cursed, gossiped, etc. It frustrated me that I had been putting in so much effort and others seemingly weren’t. Exhausted from grappling with these ideas, I slowly stopped going to church and dealing with religion as a whole.

I tried my best to focus on my schoolwork and tennis, and I closed myself off from religion. But my school’s chaplain continued to ask me to read passages and to acolyte – I didn’t have the heart to abandon him in his endeavors. I also didn’t have the energy to explain my complacency. I was tired of having the same conversations and continuing to feel unfulfilled afterwards. In short, I played the role until graduation. Because of this outward appearance, I received a lot of religious gifts for graduation, including Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I was entranced until I read the back of the book, which explained that it was about a man’s spiritual journey. I was turned off, and it immediately collected dust on my bookcase.

Because one of my goals last summer was to do a lot of reading, I eventually exhausted most of the books on my bookshelf. For some reason or another, I picked up Blue Like Jazz and began reading. I started and finished it in one day. Miller openly expresses his own religious doubt and honestly criticizes organized religion – but not scathingly like Richard Dawkins. The book, for the most part, avoids scripture and religiously packed language, which I find overbearing and detractive. The book shows the act of following Jesus, and Jesus himself, in a completely different and, actually, appealing way. He also highlights his own disagreements with Christianity. It made me realize that I was not alone in thinking that there really is a problem with organized religion and hypocrisy. I thoroughly enjoyed Miller’s honesty. In short, I found an ally with Donald Miller. But, I didn’t start picking up my Bible again or having any desire to go back to church.

It wasn’t until this past winter that I went back to church for the first time in perhaps a year. It has always been a tradition in my family to attend church on New Years’ Day so I went out of respect and love for my family. But because of car difficulties, instead of our normal church, we attended a church nearby, which I’ll affectionately refer to as the “white-people-church”. I only refer to it this way because it was the starkest difference between this church and our old church, which had pews full of black people. Some differences are just too conspicuous to ignore.

The service at the white-people church lasted for exactly one hour. Everything was calculated. The singing felt stiff, there was no swaying back and forth, clapping, or smiling on the faces of those near me. The sermon wasn’t aided by a chorus of “Amens” or “Yes, sahs” and the preacher stayed behind the pulpit the entire time. I felt no stirring in my chest. It was then that I realized that I missed going to the black Church of Christ close to an hour away. I didn’t miss the doctrine. I missed the intimacy. The sense of belonging, collective struggles, and wholeness that I felt being black in a black church. It occurred to me that, maybe, there are a significant amount of people who go to church simply to feel connected. I realized that part of the reason why I worked so hard to become the “perfect Christian” was because I wanted to feel deserving of that connectedness. I now realize how harsh I had been to the hypocrites that I had met in the past. I hadn’t thought that maybe they were only looking for community and belonging too. I had no idea what their own lives were like and what drove them to behave the way they did. I should have taken that into account.

At Amherst, it’s very easy to condemn athletes for being insular, senators for being too political and scheming, artists for being condescending, and activists for being rude and judgmental. But we need to remember the wealth of different experiences that cause people to act the way that they do. We are all products of our societies and experiences and we are all searching for community and intimacy. Sometimes these facts get shoved under the rug. More often than not, people aren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other. Religious groups aren’t intentionally trying to isolate, harm, and persecute those with differing beliefs. In reality, people are only responding in the way that they have been conditioned. People definitely still need to be held accountable for their hurtful actions, but in order to have any meaningful progress, motives and conditioning need to be understood.

About Lola Fadulu

"Take no one's word for anything, including mine - but trust your experience. Know where you came. If you know whence you came, there is really no limit to where you can go." --James Baldwin

16 comments on “When I Used to Push…

  1. terrasirradient
    April 26, 2014

    Strongly recommend Chris Stedman’s book “Faithiest.” (Stedman’s assistant chaplain of interfaith dialogue at Harvard, a humanist and atheist.) Reasoned perspective on being an atheist and not an anti-theist like Dawkins (although I happened to agree with much of Dawkin’s reasoning). Also recommend Steven Pinker (also at Harvard) if you wish to understand the psychological reasons much of humanity needs to believe in god(s) beyond understanding religions’ historical and philosophical and sociological context.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 27, 2014

      Thank you for these suggestions!

  2. Sharline Dominguez
    April 26, 2014

    “We are all products of our societies and experiences and we are all searching for community and intimacy. ” — yup, pretty much.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 30, 2014

      Sometimes it’s all so simple.

  3. terrasirradient
    April 27, 2014

    P.S. Continuing to employ the term “non-believers” for atheists is not only outdated but also patronizing. Atheists/secularists/cultural humanists have as strong a belief system and moral compass as any religious order. Non-believers is one step away from calling atheists heretics and only a few centuries away from burning them at the stake — literally or metaphorically. Everyone needs to learn a vocabulary that is inclusive.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 27, 2014

      Wow, thank you for pointing that out. I hadn’t even thought about that.

  4. Liya Rechtman
    April 27, 2014

    great post Lola!

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 27, 2014

      Thanks, Liya!

  5. jhildebrand15
    April 27, 2014

    Really interesting article, Lola. I’ve talked to you so many times this semester, and I still didn’t know this about you until this week – proof positive of what your saying about how we often forget “the wealth of different experiences” of our peers here. I always love reading your articles.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 27, 2014

      Thanks, James – means a lot. Your article “Egg McCharlies, Haruki Murakami, and That One Time My Mom Died” is one of my favorite articles, period.

  6. Lilia Paz
    April 28, 2014

    Lola, this is a wonderful article. You eloquently present a dilemma that’s always been present in my life. My Latina identity is so closely connected to my religious faith; I felt close to my peers when I was at mass or when we were all going through confirmation (I’m a Catholic) in a way that I couldn’t reach outside the church. Yet I’m struggling to define what my faith is (and the alienation that results from this) and how to respond to an institution that constantly disappoints me. This is lovely, thank you.

    • Sharline Dominguez
      April 28, 2014

      Lilia, I will assure you that you are not alone in that sentiment, trust me. I struggle with the same thing.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 30, 2014

      Lilia, thank you for commenting! I really appreciate it. Definitely check out those books that terrasirradient posted above and/or Miller’s Blue Like Jazz.

  7. Jackie
    April 30, 2014

    Great article Lola! I really enjoyed reading it, you made a great point when you referred to the “sense of belonging and feeling connected”, which is something people try to do pretty much in every aspect of their lives especially at Church. You were really insightful and your right about the need to be more understanding and less hypocritical.

    • Lolade (Lola) Fadulu
      April 30, 2014

      Thank you for commenting, Jackie! I am glad that you enjoyed this post :)

  8. Jayson
    May 14, 2014

    Amazing story Lola. And so similar to my experience except maybe that I decided to explore religions outside Christianity. I still hold that there’s a lot of good in religion, but I no longer feel drawn to it in any way.

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This entry was posted on April 26, 2014 by in Books, Race, Relationships, Religion.

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